This morning I was browsing through twitter and I was getting caught up on the lives of some of my old friends that I don’t see/talk to much anymore. It’s strange to me that we have these electronic social media outlets that allow us a porthole into a life we once had. It’s so impersonal and it keeps me from picking up the phone to say, “hi, how are you, what’s up with your life? I still think about you.” Instead after a 5 min scroll through, I can feel as if I’m updated enough to skip having any awkward impersonal and forced interactions.
It has become glaringly clear how much my life has changed; how many layers I have shed, exactly how many roads I have chosen not to follow. And here I am. Not exactly where I ever expected to be. My life is so completely different than I imagined it. As a teenager I clung to an image of my adult life, and it got me through, it gave me hope. And I achieved that vision: home, secure job, husband, Volvo in the driveway, tight knit group of besties that I shopped and cocktailed with on Sundays, yet sill I felt like a tiny little ship lost at sea. But here I am 5 years later, and I’m single, I crashed my Volvo, I’m living in an apartment in LA, I can’t remember the last time me and my besties spoke, yet I’m the happiest I have ever been.
I have been reborn, I am a different person but still sometimes I look back and wonder what was the pivotal moment when everything changed? I can’t help wonder if my past has any idea of the Sasha that exists now. This calm, happy, and self actualized work in progress. But that’s the thing about changing, sometimes you have to remove the people that expect you to be a certain way, to really change. You start performing for them. You fall into a roll and it becomes hard to break free. I had outgrown the roll that I cast myself into. The unhappy house wife, the over dramatic, broken hearted cheakster, the silly ninny laughing off her heartache through humor. I was bigger than life, I was the loudest and most vocal in the room and I really convinced myself that this made me strong, this made me something to look up to.
Sometimes I miss my rambunctious and defiant earlier self. She was raw, she was real, she was entertaining, and she served a very important purpose to my growth. She allowed me to deal with all the sadness from my childhood, all the regrets that filled my twenties and ultimately all the disappointment I felt when the vision of my utopia crumpled and revealed itself as a farce. But I have absolved myself of that earlier unneeded baggage. I no longer cling to what was. There are too many new adventures waiting out there, so many interesting characters to meet and so many joy filled moments to experience. The Sasha that I am today can feel and taste and gobble up all the loveliness that this life has to offer. I can feel and love and experience happiness in a way I was unaware possible. But I would not have made it here if it wasn’t for my earlier audacious, outrages, protective incarnation or the people that adored her. So to them and to her I say thank you. You are still loved.