Monthly Archives: March 2012

I have been so sick for the past few days. I will not go into the gory details but it’s the sickest I have been for years. The last time I got this sick was right after my divorce and that time I was so ill that I had to cancel a trip to Paris! I was so used to having Mason around to take care of me and I have always had problems asking for help…so for 5 days I laid on my couch, dying, not eating and did not call anyone..and even refused the offers that I had to come by, check on me, bring me supplies. Well not this time. But being in LA I don’t have the support group I did in SF. I mean there are people down here I know would help…but I just feel weird asking. Thanks god one of my besties from SF is now living in LA. I called Caitlen yesterday morning crying after spending the entire night on the floor of my bathroom.

She rushed over with 7-up and saltines and gave me and my poor cooped up dogs some much needed love and attention. I’m feeling marginally better today…but I miss my Mommy, I miss my home and I’m so thankful I have Caitlin down here. There is nothing like having great girlfriends. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

My hair in matted to my head, I have had the same clothes on for three days and I’m afraid I am fusing to my couch. Not feeling very darling at all. Can we just pretend I actually look like this?

I watched the moonrise yesterday. It was still light when she appeared and hovered above the hazy skyline, faded like an old photo washed by the Summer sun. She was a big, translucent pie that I wanted to reach out, grab and greedily gobble up like a starving child. I watched her move and grow and then retreat as the the last bit of dusk was swallowed by darkness.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I tossed and turned till Midnight. At 1:40 I was awoken by a light shining powerfully through my window. It was as if a street post had been erected directly outside my room. I felt the gleaming beams as I tried to readjust and shield my eyes from it’s glare. My sleepy mind struggled to recall how brightly lit my room was on other nights as it desperately clung to a cloudy abyss.

The lights intensity forced me my from my sleep, so I stepped out to get a closer look. As the bright light illuminated me, I realized the moon had followed me home. She clung to my windowsill like a crazed cat insisting to be let in. Howling and screaming, she he had grown twice her earlier dusk risen size and intensely cast her cold blue light upon my cheeks.

I wanted to flea the house and run through tall grassy fields and become part of her night glow but felt constrained by my urban dwelling and the unknown that lurked outside my city door. Reluctantly I slipped back in to bed in search of a silent slumber that never came. I woke half rested convinced I am ruled by the moon.

This morning I was browsing through twitter and I was getting caught up on the lives of some of my old friends that I don’t see/talk to much anymore. It’s strange to me that we have these electronic social media outlets that allow us a porthole into a life we once had. It’s so impersonal and it keeps me from picking up the phone to say, “hi, how are you, what’s up with your life? I still think about you.” Instead after a 5 min scroll through, I can feel as if I’m updated enough to skip having any awkward impersonal and forced interactions.

It has become glaringly clear how much my life has changed; how many layers I have shed, exactly how many roads I have chosen not to follow. And here I am. Not exactly where I ever expected to be. My life is so completely different than I imagined it. As a teenager I clung to an image of my adult life, and it got me through, it gave me hope. And I achieved that vision: home, secure job, husband, Volvo in the driveway, tight knit group of besties that I shopped and cocktailed with on Sundays, yet sill I felt like a tiny little ship lost at sea. But here I am 5 years later, and I’m single, I crashed my Volvo, I’m living in an apartment in LA, I can’t remember the last time me and my besties spoke, yet I’m the happiest I have ever been.

I have been reborn, I am a different person but still sometimes I look back and wonder what was the pivotal moment when everything changed? I can’t help wonder if my past has any idea of the Sasha that exists now. This calm, happy, and self actualized work in progress. But that’s the thing about changing, sometimes you have to remove the people that expect you to be a certain way, to really change. You start performing for them. You fall into a roll and it becomes hard to break free. I had outgrown the roll that I cast myself into. The unhappy house wife, the over dramatic, broken hearted cheakster, the silly ninny laughing off her heartache through humor. I was bigger than life, I was the loudest and most vocal in the room and I really convinced myself that this made me strong, this made me something to look up to.

Sometimes I miss my rambunctious and defiant earlier self. She was raw, she was real, she was entertaining, and she served a very important purpose to my growth. She allowed me to deal with all the sadness from my childhood, all the regrets that filled my twenties and ultimately all the disappointment I felt when the vision of my utopia crumpled and revealed itself as a farce. But I have absolved myself of that earlier unneeded baggage. I no longer cling to what was. There are too many new adventures waiting out there, so many interesting characters to meet and so many joy filled moments to experience. The Sasha that I am today can feel and taste and gobble up all the loveliness that this life has to offer. I can feel and love and experience happiness in a way I was unaware possible. But I would not have made it here if it wasn’t for my earlier audacious, outrages, protective incarnation or the people that adored her. So to them and to her I say thank you. You are still loved.