Monthly Archives: December 2011

I’m ready to break out my sparkly, fancy, lovely frocks. You would think living in such close proximity to Hollywood I would find many excuses to get all dolled up, but LA’s casual style has somehow overpowered much of that old school glamour. I’m back in San Francisco and you can expect to see me everyday in BellJar wearing my very best. XO Darlings I’m going to get glamed up.

I have been in LA nearly two months now. I’m getting settled, feeling sure footed, figuring my life out. It’s strange, in a very outwardly way, I feel as if not much has changed and that this was not a very drastic thing to do; to run away to LA. I have a ton of really great friends down here, I adore the weather, my apartment is lovely, the dogs and I love the hiking and nature it all seems to be falling in place.

But then, I have been suffering from my not knowing exactly what I’m doing here. I have felt a little lost and I’m not used to that. I’m generally very clear in my direction. I know exactly what I want to do and then I just do it. But I have gone back and fourth since I’ve been here. Do I open a store? Do I get a full time job doing design? Do I start working full time as a stylist. The more and more I searched for the answer the more stressed out I have felt. And then all these personal issues started to come up.

The holidays are generally a hard time for everyone, but all of a sudden I was having this huge massive sadness over the failure of my marriage and how damaged I’m afraid I have become. Emotionally cut off. Distant…and I just have been have these late night’s of self analyzing and just thinking way too much about so many things. Things that at this point, are rather insignificant in my life. But it was just easier to stress on the past than deal with my now. I even called my ex husband and cried on the phone to him for like an hour. It was cathartic and I feel relieved that after everything we went through (and believe me it was bad), that we can still have a real conversation and be there for each-other on some level.

Meanwhile I have been working nearly full time doing some assisting work for a well known stylist down here. It’s been so long since I have been accountable to someone else and also away from my dogs for like 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m also so used to being the boss…everyone knows I like being in control. It’s not a power thing. I think I’m more creative and have a clearer vision when I’m able to make my own decisions. This is why I give my employes so much freedom. As long as they deliver I’m pretty hands off. I know this is how creative people really get inspired to work hard and do a great job.

With all this change and new experiences and self analyzing and being in unsure situations, all of  a sudden this week it all just came to head and I spent two days crying every time anyone asked if I was ok. On my drive to work I had tears streaming down my face.

But the good news is…not only do I feel better, I know what I want to do. I always have to uproot myself a bit, push myself into difficult situations, become somewhat emotional and lost feeling to find answers. This seems to be my process. But after an exciting adventures and somewhat stressful few months I have decided what I was meant to do! I am going to start a product line! Home decor to start. Candles, pillows, gadgets etc. So come January me and my new business partner will start development! I’m so excited and I feel so inspired once again. We had dinner last night and talked about everything and brainstormed. So fabulous. We will have a new studio to work out of come January and I’m seriously so excited to cover one whole wall with cork board and just start pinning all my inspiration everywhere! It feels so liberating to have a dream again. It’s been a while and I’m so relieved I ran away to LA in search of new opportunities.

Anyway Merc retrograde just ended…yeah yeah I know I’m such a silly hippie…but so glad it’s gone. It always hits me so hard. With open arms I welcome the age of Aquarius. Things are going to be ohhh so lovely.

Hmm- this guy is rad. I want him to come over and hang out and shoot guns with me while we lounge in my bohemian bungalow. You guys want to come over?

I still speak to my boyfriend from highschool almost weekly. He never forgets a birthday, a holiday and somehow he still knows exactly what to say to make me feel better when I’m blue. He uses words like fabulous, dazzling and darling to describe me, and constantly reminds me that there is no girl in this world that holds a candle to me.

I met him when I was 14 while on summer vacation visiting my Dad. He was in a band, much older and much cooler than me. I asked him for his address and started sending him unsolicited love letters when my summer vacation came to an end. I’m sure at first he found my silly and trite as there was no evidence that he shared my admiration. Later that year I moved to my Dad’s. I was still so enamored by him that I started calling him, pursuing him non stop. He had a girlfriend at the time, but it made no difference. In my persistent teenage mind he was the one I wanted and I would stop at nothing to win his affections. Even if i meant just being patient.

It took about a year for him and his girlfriend to break up. I was almost 16 when we started to go out. He managed Fox Theaters back then and we used to talk on the phone for hours while he was at work. When I was teenager I could spend half my life on a phone, but now my communication has been reduced to a few random texts. I miss the closeness of the phone. I wish men still knew how to pick and dial.

We dated on and off all through my high-school days, despite his friends constant taunting in regards to dating a teenager.Towards the end of our time together he as old enough to go to bars and I was still a Senior in high-school. It made no difference; we were connected.

But, what I remember most from our time together is; this was the last time I can recall being completely fearless in regards to love. I had no hangups around being vulnerable. I was never concerned with looking weak or needy. I told him how I felt, I told him what I wanted, unabashedly and repetitively. In the end my persistence paid off and some 20 years later he and I are still an important part of each-others lives.

When we speak, sometimes I don’t recognize the girl interacting with him. She is open, calm, sweet, vulnerable, disarming, confident and assured in a way I never am with other men. When I start to fall for someone now, what I feel instead is a gripping fear that makes me almost cold or indifferent in my delivery. When I’m not getting what I want, I tend to give off the vibe I really don’t care. Even when I really, really do.

It seems that the scars of life have built a layer around me that have made it almost impossible to open up the way I did with Robert..back when I was young and free and brazen in my quest to be loved. It’s strange how twisted and unknown aspects of our lives can become. I can still see and feel my young carefree heart, but somehow it’s guarded buy this unknown and unwanted wire of protection.

I want someone to look beyond my walls and see a charming, unafraid adventurous heart. For the right person it would be incredibly simple to move beyond these barriers. And as I’m sure my high-school boyfriend will attest; its a magical, beautiful, sunshiny place to reside.

If you have not been in yet, here are some pics to tempt you! Up till January 5th-

All locally designed, handmade, lovely gifts. It just makes you feel good to give these treasures as gifts, doesn’t it?

Also you can shop the product online- The left Navigation has a link to all the Goldrush product! Or Just click HERE!!! Now wasn’t that easy darling?